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I wish my son wanted to spend more time with me | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

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June 28, 2026 · 1:22 PM
I wish my son wanted to spend more time with me | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

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Ask Annalisa BarbieriParents and parenting

I wish my son wanted to spend more time with me

You say you don’t put him under pressure, but he seems to feel it. Could you be overcompensating for your initial reluctance to have children?

Annalisa Barbieri

Sun 28 Jun 2026 01.00 EDT Last modified on Sun 28 Jun 2026 03.01 EDT

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My husband and I have one son, in his late 20s. We’ve always been devoted to him**, keep in touch on a weekly basis****and see him about once a month (he has a busy job and has recently started a new relationship, which seems to be making him very happy).**

I never really wanted children, possibly due to my traumatic childhood: an absent, mentally ill father; and a single, emotionally imbalanced mother who made me the centre of her life. When my husband talked about having children, Igave it careful considerationand decided in the end to give it a go. Once our son was born, I embraced motherhood fully**. We both adore him.**

As he grew up, he naturally distanced himself from us, especially when he started university. He sometimes goes from being warm and friendly to cold and aloof**.When my husband once mentionedme being on my own if he were to diefirst, my son was quick to sayhe wouldn’t live with me (we hadn’t mentioned such an arrangement). Another time hesaid he might move abroad and we shouldn’t count on him being around. That hurt, especially as wedo notdemand constant contact.**

In spite of him being very affectionate in birthday and Christmas card messages,I don’t always feel he really cares for us. He once saidhe felt under pressure having all the focus on him.

How much should a parent seek contact with an adult child? I keep fantasising about an ideal son who wants to spend more time with us**.**

There was a lot of loss and sadness in your letter, and these are things I think you – however subconsciously – look to your son to heal. That’s not his job and, despite your best intentions, he must sense this need. You’ve raised a successful man who has a career and a fulfilling relationship, and understands boundaries. You’ve done a great job.

But what about you and your needs? I went to consultant clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal. He picked up on what you said about originally not wanting children: “Sometimes when people feel guilty for their negative feelings, they embrace the opposite to compensate. You might feel you can’t let him go because letting go means [to you on a subconscious level] that you didn’t want him.”

The best way to get your son to want to spend time with you is to show him you don’t need him to

Conversely, one of the most helpful things we can do for our adult children is let them know we are there for them but can live without them, so they don’t feel responsible for our happiness. “Your son needs to feel his parents are strong enough together and have a good sustaining relationship that doesn’t need his presence to maintain it,” said Blumenthal.

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My daughter is leaving for university. How can I support her – and cope with the loss? Read more

Perhaps ask yourself how it felt with your mother? What could she have done differently? The best way to get your son to want to spend time with you is to show him you don’t need him to. I don’t mean in an unloving or neglectful way. But if you could invest in your own life as a person, away from being a mother, this would take pressure off him to fill the gaps. Even in your longer letter you said nothing of your life or what makes you happy.

You may not say that you want your son to ring you/visit X times a month, but he clearly feels pressure to. Face the loss you feel and talk to your husband, a friend or a therapist. You can feel sad about letting go. But at the same time, grow your own life so you can sustain yourself.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions . The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here .

Comments on this piece are pre-moderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

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Guardian Pick

Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

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CommunityMod6 hours ago

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As a parent, success is raising a child to be able to live without you. Congratulations. You've done it. The thing is that adult children may or may not want much to do with their parents and, as parents, you have no right to expectations of contact and care from your children.

I would say, let him come to you. Never imply that you were waiting for a call or missing him. Tell him about how full and enjoyable your life is. Consider making…

Jump to comment

JosephineJW6 hours ago

117

Guardian Pick

Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

Jump to comment

CommunityMod6 hours ago

Staff

0

Guardian Pick

As a parent, success is raising a child to be able to live without you. Congratulations. You've done it. The thing is that adult children may or may not want much to do with their parents and, as parents, you have no right to expectations of contact and care from your children.

I would say, let him come to you. Never imply that you were waiting for a call or missing him. Tell him about how full and enjoyable your life is. Consider making…

Jump to comment

JosephineJW6 hours ago

117

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